going through LOSS without getting LOST!

“going through LOSS without getting LOST”…

In these moments leading up to what the calendar says is Mother’s day I felt it only fitting to share where we are now and the journey of healing since our 2^nd miscarriage. 

I find it hard to be in any sort of spotlight about this personal experience…but I also know that so many people have dealt with, are dealing with or WILL deal with this type of thing.  Not everyone can say they were in the same city, same time of year and around some of the same people when they had their miscarriage.  For whatever reason, I was. 

Both times I was surrounded by many creatives and we all had various purposes for being there but one unified theme… to CONNECT. 

Now that I’ve come through the worst part which was so physically hard…  I have come to the emotional stage of healing.  I started the process at the last video I shared online.  We already had received the news and begun grieving the day of the news.  It hadn’t meant I gave up, it simply meant emotions came POURING out of me.  I updated you on the actual week of the miscarriage and now I’m going to talk about where I am now. 

Over the last few weeks I’ve had plenty to keep me busy!  Being a full-time photographer and artist I am always accessing this gift in any token at any given time.  April was my busiest business month.  I had much to think about while preparing to serve my clients.  The grief and doubts were overtaken by my love of photography and servanthood to my couples.  If I did have a moment?  It was a private one in the comfort of my own home or driving to the bridal show.  I broke down in tears when I was driving because I was jealous that God got to meet my children and I didn’t.  I don’t even have a face of them…only their spirit. 

My biggest challenge will always be to walk through the vices of comparison.  We know it well.  Our good friend *comparison*  that tells us we are “less than” because we didn’t get that THING whatever that THING might be.  I am watching all of my baby buddies have no issues and all the other new babies being born.  AGAIN.  Déjà vu?  Didn’t I go through this last year????… YEA.

At first, I couldn’t look at ANYONE’s pictures.  The online world makes everything looks SO perfect.  I had to stop and shake myself up a bit realizing again that my story is MINE and theirs is theirs.  I’ve had to have MANY conversations with others that want to lay things on me that aren’t mine.  I have already had so many fears and doubts about being a mom anyways – I don’t need any more heaped on me than I already heaped onto myself.  I’m doing better at this – I can look at pictures with less triggering of deep emotional pains.

At this point, I could have gotten LOST in that negative pattern of self-doubt and critical thinking.  By lost I mean, LOST in thought…in emotion and completely de-railing myself from my original purpose anyways.  My purpose will always be to submit to God’s will for my life and the journey I will take as his friend and daughter.  I had to take a moment to realize that it is THIS journey that will speak volumes to those hurting and lost in their own worlds of emotion, despair and pain.  Purpose is so much more than you can ever put on paper.  Purpose keeps me alive and going.

How to not get LOST?

Shift your FOCUS: 

I have found that walking through this has left me finding focus into my many missions and purposes here.  I don’t have just the “one”.  I didn’t dream of being a mom a gazillion years ago.  We just decided it was time to walk that path!  I didn’t worship that desire nor did I completely shut it down.  I think there is a healthy focus when you remember that you have purpose and get focused on walking that purpose.  Find that great in between place where you don’t obsess about it but don’t necessarily shelf it either.

Walk THROUGH it not around it.

My biggest revelations to my own self while walking this has been to NOT avoid emotions and the feelings involved with this.  (or avoid this blog & video) You have to walk through the challenge and not around it.  Strength comes as your work these “muscles” in spirit, emotion, body and mind.  Not once in this space will I say “oh this is sooooo easy”.  NO NO NO NO.  It is the hardest thing I’ve done so far.  Working through dealing with people AND my own emotions have been soooo BRUTAL. 

Give yourself time.

I’m the kind of person that really really does want to move on.  Whatever it takes?  I like moving on and forward.  I like sitting still sometimes and really being IN that moment, but ultimately I want to move forward and not fall into a pit of despair and stay there.  I am just at a month out from my actual physical miscarriage and I can say I feel like it has been 3 months.  My mind, body, spirit have been steadily filled and growing as I move actively in my healing process.  I even took myself to a movie to have a big huge cry!  Yep, I took myself to My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and cried almost the whole movie. 

Look for the LIGHT:

When I’m in creation mode I am consistently using light as a focus point just as much as shadow.  I like diving into dark things, but I don’t want to live there.  The light in my life has been God’s love every step of the way.  In that light, I know I have the freedom to do all of the above and MORE.  Healing is not a one-person job…it takes help and it takes asking for help to heal.  I’ve been so blessed to have amazing angels around me that help me sort things out and LET me process the way I know I can.  The artist in me knows that creating ART through pain heals.  I get out my best emotions and ideas in places of strain, struggle and hopelessness.  Find that light in your life…and shine bright like the star you are!   The light will also help guide you through the dark forests and mountains. 

Make LOTS of artwork:

Even if you are not an artist…using art as a medium to heal is super powerful.  I have dived into paper mache, photography, writing and movie watching as many tools that help me process things.  Your inspiration and story can come through various mediums so don’t limit yourself to just ONE.  Even a silly little jewelry making event can be so liberating to your creative soul.  Feed that creativity, don’t starve it.  Do something using your hands!  Create through the deepest fibers and watch how your heart soars.

Where are we now?

Healing.  I am healing in all the ways I can heal.  I am processing one thing at a time.  I am moving forward.  I am talking to my midwife/doctor.  I am continuing to live with purpose.  I am making artwork and I am RESTING.  I got a tattoo for my 2^nd baby over a week ago.  I am healing from that too.  

Take the time to reach out to someone today if you know they are struggling with loss – tell them you care and are thinking of them. 

On Mother’s day, think just a tad bigger than having the physical children.  Some of us “mother” many other people in this world and that too, should be celebrated. 

Much love to you,

Jen


Watch "Punches of Pink" episode 13.

We're at NOW, now.

 

We're at NOW, now....

On March 27th 2016 I put out a Punches of Pink video that talked about our journey to the doctor with this pregnancy.  I had hope filled promises and dreams of miracles.  I had several people tell me things were going to be fulfilled of which I already knew.   (here is the video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzLi24pZTYc)

But what I wasn’t prepared for was another loss.

When I made the video it was all real.  It was real time, real reality.  We saw our sonogram and gasped when they said there was no life and hadn’t been for several weeks.  I thought to myself…”wasn’t I promised my rainbow baby?”.  It didn’t feel real and my body sure didn’t give me any indications.

The day after I released the video I headed to St Louis to meet with many friends before a photography convention I attended last year . I decided to not attend and just see friends instead and make art & photography with them.  I had a sense of freedom with me after releasing the video because it was part of my story.  I was literally at NOW.

Sunday went great!  I was able to meet up and start working with friends and just have a fun time and met everyone for dinner that night near Union Station.  I looked at all the faces I knew and didn’t know at the table and thought how lovely it was to have a small group to chat with and just chill.  I was in a state of bliss in that moment.

Monday arrived after I rested up and had been shooting images the day prior.  I woke up to light spotting.  I knew what this meant.  I knew that something could happen over the next week that would confirm everything we knew.  The exit of our lovely little baby.

Monday actually got more exciting on the art side though!  I went to the city museum for the first time in St Louis and walked, climbed and scouted for fun places to shoot with the amazing Jane Love.  I saw the mirrored room, which was a dream come true.  I saw my friends there working which is always a joy.  By the time we grabbed Pappy’s BBQ to go and headed back to the home where we were staying I felt ok.  I was getting tired but I was ok.

"The night from hell"

It was that night that seized me like I had never in my life been seized before.  After the entire day shooting and having fun I ended up downtown meeting friends and doing one final shoot for the day.  My body in that moment (around midnite or after) had decided to start full blast bleeding.  I realized also in this moment I didn’t have enough feminine products to sustain any heavy bleeding whatsoever.

In the walk to our car it just kept coming.  It was so heavy and frequent I was having to hold myself and pray it didn’t run down my leg.  There was no stopping it.  It was a RIVER coming out of me and I couldn’t even slow it down or keep up.   I walked into Walgreens completely COVERED in blood that I hid with my hoodie.  By the time I checked out I knew this was going to be the longest 20 minutes of my life back to the house.  But, I also didn’t realize…what would happen next.

Thankfully Jane was there with me and we got the products I needed.  I tried to buy ahead and hope for the best.  I had hoped it would slow down on the drive.  It did not.  I was afraid of bleeding all over their car.  I had already bled on my entire backside.  It was the longest 20 minutes of my life trying to get to a place where I could feel safe and have a bathroom really close.

We made it to the house and I ran upstairs to change clothing.  I just stared at the blood that was EVERYWHERE and decided that in order to be able to wear my shorts on the plane I had to wash them immediately.  I almost took a picture to tell this story with.
No one talks about how brutal this can be, til IT IS. 

"I was afraid to sleep.....because I might bleed all over their bedroom"

From about 2am til past 6am were the most horrific physically of my life.  I literally could not leave the bathroom for those 4-5 hours without gushing everywhere.  I thought to myself “If I don’t sleep, I may not be able to do my photo shoot in the morning”.  At that point I’m texting my model and letting her know what was going on.

I tried to lay down.  My body refused that.  I tried to sit in a chaise lounge and it was barely manageable so  I tried to sleep sitting up like I’ve done on planes a handful of times.  I never could seem to catch a break though.  As soon as I sat down…my body released more.  I thought about just living on the toilet.  It was awful.  The cramps were hard and so different than our last miscarriage.  Everything seemed to be moving at a faster pace and it really scared me.

By the time 630am rolled around my body had finally settled down for me to be able to lay down and try to sleep before my wake up call at 8am.  I was so scared all night to bleed on my guests sheets and furniture.  That was also why I probably barely slept.  I was trying to keep up with my own personal massacre.

The next 2 hours I must have gotten some kind of sleep because I awoke and started the process all over again.  My body was still moving and shaking things up for me and I started packing to leave for my flight.  I washed all the laundry from all the morning of miscarrying and threw them in the dryer.  Never at one point did I feel unsafe, judged or un-loved while going through this.  I felt I was in a home where I could go through this…and just go THROUGH it.  This does not mean it was fun though…going through this at a friends’ house felt almost unbearable and embarrassing.

My wonderful friend Erin nabbed me a banana and a Gatorade because I honestly didn’t know what I should or could eat after all of that.  I aimed for something that would give me energy just in case.  I really think my prayer was answered for multiplied sleep . I never once felt groggy, foggy or anything like that for the rest of the day.

I completed my final shoot of the trip and made my way to the airport.  My lovely friend Jane and I had our final moments of goodbyes and thank yous.  Without these friends…I’m not sure I would have been able to make it through.  Without the love and prayers from everyone in the last couple of weeks I KNOW for a fact I wouldn’t have made it.  The emotional scars sometimes last longer than the physical ones.  Our grief had started the moment we saw the sonogram and it was heartbreaking.  We want children and we want to have that seed in the earth.

When you don’t get what you envisioned or saw as your promise it is a disappointment. 

However, I as I’m walking through this I realized that this is MY story.  It is no one else’s.  My sister and mother didn’t have any problems at all conceiving and having children.  But I am.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I have to be ok with this being part of my story – but it is PAINFUL.  But I’m walking THROUGH it and not around it.

Please, if you have had someone in your life who is miscarrying right now or has miscarried…understand we don’t want to be invisible!  Just because we didn’t carry a baby full term does not mean it didn’t happen.  The hardest parts for me has been words that hurt instead of build up.  I’m learning to deal with people that just don’t understand and can cause worse damage than when you started.

At the same token, the outpouring of love has been GREAT for us.  Zak and I are walking through this and moving forward.  That is all I wanted since releasing the video on March 27^th.  I wanted answers so I could move forward.  But in that place?  WE WERE IN THE UNKNOWN…and the unknown? Is so scary sometimes.

I leave you with this:
-your purpose is more than you envisioned – it can be MORE and part of your story will involve hurts/pains – but you have to walk through it, not around it.

-your friends/family will be there for you and also say stupid things.  Be aware this will happen and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.

-create through pain.  When you use your gifts and talents to express through the pain…anything you write, create, do with that passion will really connect with others.  So just do it.  Find your healing.


All my best of love to you this week,

Jen

Please subscribe to PUNCHES OF PINK on Youtube!
Here is the last video I released about part of this story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzLi24pZTYc

What happens when you have no answers and no clarity? Well, you create ANYWAY.

Just wanted to be sure and share my latest Punches of Pink - episode 9.
A very personal part of my story.