We're at NOW, now....
On March 27th 2016 I put out a Punches of Pink video that talked about our journey to the doctor with this pregnancy. I had hope filled promises and dreams of miracles. I had several people tell me things were going to be fulfilled of which I already knew. (here is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?But what I wasn’t prepared for was another loss.
When I made the video it was all real. It was real time, real reality. We saw our sonogram and gasped when they said there was no life and hadn’t been for several weeks. I thought to myself…”wasn’t I promised my rainbow baby?”. It didn’t feel real and my body sure didn’t give me any indications.
The day after I released the video I headed to St Louis to meet with many friends before a photography convention I attended last year . I decided to not attend and just see friends instead and make art & photography with them. I had a sense of freedom with me after releasing the video because it was part of my story. I was literally at NOW.
Sunday went great! I was able to meet up and start working with friends and just have a fun time and met everyone for dinner that night near Union Station. I looked at all the faces I knew and didn’t know at the table and thought how lovely it was to have a small group to chat with and just chill. I was in a state of bliss in that moment.
Monday arrived after I rested up and had been shooting images the day prior. I woke up to light spotting. I knew what this meant. I knew that something could happen over the next week that would confirm everything we knew. The exit of our lovely little baby.
Monday actually got more exciting on the art side though! I went to the city museum for the first time in St Louis and walked, climbed and scouted for fun places to shoot with the amazing Jane Love. I saw the mirrored room, which was a dream come true. I saw my friends there working which is always a joy. By the time we grabbed Pappy’s BBQ to go and headed back to the home where we were staying I felt ok. I was getting tired but I was ok.
"The night from hell"
It was that night that seized me like I had never in my life been seized before. After the entire day shooting and having fun I ended up downtown meeting friends and doing one final shoot for the day. My body in that moment (around midnite or after) had decided to start full blast bleeding. I realized also in this moment I didn’t have enough feminine products to sustain any heavy bleeding whatsoever.
In the walk to our car it just kept coming. It was so heavy and frequent I was having to hold myself and pray it didn’t run down my leg. There was no stopping it. It was a RIVER coming out of me and I couldn’t even slow it down or keep up. I walked into Walgreens completely COVERED in blood that I hid with my hoodie. By the time I checked out I knew this was going to be the longest 20 minutes of my life back to the house. But, I also didn’t realize…what would happen next.
Thankfully Jane was there with me and we got the products I needed. I tried to buy ahead and hope for the best. I had hoped it would slow down on the drive. It did not. I was afraid of bleeding all over their car. I had already bled on my entire backside. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life trying to get to a place where I could feel safe and have a bathroom really close.
We made it to the house and I ran upstairs to change clothing. I just stared at the blood that was EVERYWHERE and decided that in order to be able to wear my shorts on the plane I had to wash them immediately. I almost took a picture to tell this story with.
No one talks about how brutal this can be, til IT IS.
"I was afraid to sleep.....because I might bleed all over their bedroom"
From about 2am til past 6am were the most horrific physically of my life. I literally could not leave the bathroom for those 4-5 hours without gushing everywhere. I thought to myself “If I don’t sleep, I may not be able to do my photo shoot in the morning”. At that point I’m texting my model and letting her know what was going on.
I tried to lay down. My body refused that. I tried to sit in a chaise lounge and it was barely manageable so I tried to sleep sitting up like I’ve done on planes a handful of times. I never could seem to catch a break though. As soon as I sat down…my body released more. I thought about just living on the toilet. It was awful. The cramps were hard and so different than our last miscarriage. Everything seemed to be moving at a faster pace and it really scared me.
By the time 630am rolled around my body had finally settled down for me to be able to lay down and try to sleep before my wake up call at 8am. I was so scared all night to bleed on my guests sheets and furniture. That was also why I probably barely slept. I was trying to keep up with my own personal massacre.
The next 2 hours I must have gotten some kind of sleep because I awoke and started the process all over again. My body was still moving and shaking things up for me and I started packing to leave for my flight. I washed all the laundry from all the morning of miscarrying and threw them in the dryer. Never at one point did I feel unsafe, judged or un-loved while going through this. I felt I was in a home where I could go through this…and just go THROUGH it. This does not mean it was fun though…going through this at a friends’ house felt almost unbearable and embarrassing.
My wonderful friend Erin nabbed me a banana and a Gatorade because I honestly didn’t know what I should or could eat after all of that. I aimed for something that would give me energy just in case. I really think my prayer was answered for multiplied sleep . I never once felt groggy, foggy or anything like that for the rest of the day.
I completed my final shoot of the trip and made my way to the airport. My lovely friend Jane and I had our final moments of goodbyes and thank yous. Without these friends…I’m not sure I would have been able to make it through. Without the love and prayers from everyone in the last couple of weeks I KNOW for a fact I wouldn’t have made it. The emotional scars sometimes last longer than the physical ones. Our grief had started the moment we saw the sonogram and it was heartbreaking. We want children and we want to have that seed in the earth.
When you don’t get what you envisioned or saw as your promise it is a disappointment.
However, I as I’m walking through this I realized that this is MY story. It is no one else’s. My sister and mother didn’t have any problems at all conceiving and having children. But I am. There is nothing wrong with that. I have to be ok with this being part of my story – but it is PAINFUL. But I’m walking THROUGH it and not around it.
Please, if you have had someone in your life who is miscarrying right now or has miscarried…understand we don’t want to be invisible! Just because we didn’t carry a baby full term does not mean it didn’t happen. The hardest parts for me has been words that hurt instead of build up. I’m learning to deal with people that just don’t understand and can cause worse damage than when you started.
At the same token, the outpouring of love has been GREAT for us. Zak and I are walking through this and moving forward. That is all I wanted since releasing the video on March 27th. I wanted answers so I could move forward. But in that place? WE WERE IN THE UNKNOWN…and the unknown? Is so scary sometimes.
I leave you with this:
-your purpose is more than you envisioned – it can be MORE and part of your story will involve hurts/pains – but you have to walk through it, not around it.
-your friends/family will be there for you and also say stupid things. Be aware this will happen and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.
-create through pain. When you use your gifts and talents to express through the pain…anything you write, create, do with that passion will really connect with others. So just do it. Find your healing.
All my best of love to you this week,
Jen
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Here is the last video I released about part of this story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
