Monday, May 9, 2016

going through LOSS without getting LOST!

“going through LOSS without getting LOST”…

In these moments leading up to what the calendar says is Mother’s day I felt it only fitting to share where we are now and the journey of healing since our 2nd miscarriage. 

I find it hard to be in any sort of spotlight about this personal experience…but I also know that so many people have dealt with, are dealing with or WILL deal with this type of thing.  Not everyone can say they were in the same city, same time of year and around some of the same people when they had their miscarriage.  For whatever reason, I was. 
Both times I was surrounded by many creatives and we all had various purposes for being there but one unified theme… to CONNECT. 

Now that I’ve come through the worst part which was so physically hard…  I have come to the emotional stage of healing.  I started the process at the last video I shared online.  We already had received the news and begun grieving the day of the news.  It hadn’t meant I gave up, it simply meant emotions came POURING out of me.  I updated you on the actual week of the miscarriage and now I’m going to talk about where I am now. 

Over the last few weeks I’ve had plenty to keep me busy!  Being a full-time photographer and artist I am always accessing this gift in any token at any given time.  April was my busiest business month.  I had much to think about while preparing to serve my clients.  The grief and doubts were overtaken by my love of photography and servanthood to my couples.  If I did have a moment?  It was a private one in the comfort of my own home or driving to the bridal show.  I broke down in tears when I was driving because I was jealous that God got to meet my children and I didn’t.  I don’t even have a face of them…only their spirit. 

My biggest challenge will always be to walk through the vices of comparison.  We know it well.  Our good friend *comparison*  that tells us we are “less than” because we didn’t get that THING whatever that THING might be.  I am watching all of my baby buddies have no issues and all the other new babies being born.  AGAIN.  Déjà vu?  Didn’t I go through this last year????… YEA.

At first, I couldn’t look at ANYONE’s pictures.  The online world makes everything looks SO perfect.  I had to stop and shake myself up a bit realizing again that my story is MINE and theirs is theirs.  I’ve had to have MANY conversations with others that want to lay things on me that aren’t mine.  I have already had so many fears and doubts about being a mom anyways – I don’t need any more heaped on me than I already heaped onto myself.  I’m doing better at this – I can look at pictures with less triggering of deep emotional pains.

At this point, I could have gotten LOST in that negative pattern of self-doubt and critical thinking.  By lost I mean, LOST in thought…in emotion and completely de-railing myself from my original purpose anyways.  My purpose will always be to submit to God’s will for my life and the journey I will take as his friend and daughter.  I had to take a moment to realize that it is THIS journey that will speak volumes to those hurting and lost in their own worlds of emotion, despair and pain.  Purpose is so much more than you can ever put on paper.  Purpose keeps me alive and going.

How to not get LOST?

Shift your FOCUS: 
I have found that walking through this has left me finding focus into my many missions and purposes here.  I don’t have just the “one”.  I didn’t dream of being a mom a gazillion years ago.  We just decided it was time to walk that path!  I didn’t worship that desire nor did I completely shut it down.  I think there is a healthy focus when you remember that you have purpose and get focused on walking that purpose.  Find that great in between place where you don’t obsess about it but don’t necessarily shelf it either.

Walk THROUGH it not around it.
My biggest revelations to my own self while walking this has been to NOT avoid emotions and the feelings involved with this.  (or avoid this blog & video) You have to walk through the challenge and not around it.  Strength comes as your work these “muscles” in spirit, emotion, body and mind.  Not once in this space will I say “oh this is sooooo easy”.  NO NO NO NO.  It is the hardest thing I’ve done so far.  Working through dealing with people AND my own emotions have been soooo BRUTAL. 

Give yourself time.
I’m the kind of person that really really does want to move on.  Whatever it takes?  I like moving on and forward.  I like sitting still sometimes and really being IN that moment, but ultimately I want to move forward and not fall into a pit of despair and stay there.  I am just at a month out from my actual physical miscarriage and I can say I feel like it has been 3 months.  My mind, body, spirit have been steadily filled and growing as I move actively in my healing process.  I even took myself to a movie to have a big huge cry!  Yep, I took myself to My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and cried almost the whole movie. 

Look for the LIGHT:
When I’m in creation mode I am consistently using light as a focus point just as much as shadow.  I like diving into dark things, but I don’t want to live there.  The light in my life has been God’s love every step of the way.  In that light, I know I have the freedom to do all of the above and MORE.  Healing is not a one-person job…it takes help and it takes asking for help to heal.  I’ve been so blessed to have amazing angels around me that help me sort things out and LET me process the way I know I can.  The artist in me knows that creating ART through pain heals.  I get out my best emotions and ideas in places of strain, struggle and hopelessness.  Find that light in your life…and shine bright like the star you are!   The light will also help guide you through the dark forests and mountains. 

Make LOTS of artwork:
Even if you are not an artist…using art as a medium to heal is super powerful.  I have dived into paper mache, photography, writing and movie watching as many tools that help me process things.  Your inspiration and story can come through various mediums so don’t limit yourself to just ONE.  Even a silly little jewelry making event can be so liberating to your creative soul.  Feed that creativity, don’t starve it.  Do something using your hands!  Create through the deepest fibers and watch how your heart soars.

Where are we now?
Healing.  I am healing in all the ways I can heal.  I am processing one thing at a time.  I am moving forward.  I am talking to my midwife/doctor.  I am continuing to live with purpose.  I am making artwork and I am RESTING.  I got a tattoo for my 2nd baby over a week ago.  I am healing from that too.  

Take the time to reach out to someone today if you know they are struggling with loss – tell them you care and are thinking of them. 

On Mother’s day, think just a tad bigger than having the physical children.  Some of us “mother” many other people in this world and that too, should be celebrated. 

Much love to you,


Watch "Punches of Pink" episode 13.

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